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How
can a woman spot a potential spouse abuser? Are there telltale
signs?
Research and clinical literature reveal that many wife batterers
think and act
in similar ways. Here are a few warning signs which may help women
avoid
abusive relationships. If many of these traits describe your potential
mate, be
wary of deeper involvement.
He needs you - and needs to control your decisions
Does he need you too much? Does he try to control your time and
attention?
Is he concerned about too many details of your daily life - for
example, the places you go, the people you know, your use of money or time,
your choice of clothing and makeup, etc.? Does it seem like you have to answer
too many
questions? Follow too many instructions?
Abusive men try to hold their intimate partner on a close rein.
They may need to show ownership of their
partner. These men are quick to accuse their partners of being unfaithful
or flirtatious.
He shows you hostility
Does he seem more hostile when no one else is around? Does he
give you the silent treatment? Would others be shocked or alarmed by the things
he says or does to you? An abuser may not show this kind of hostility in public. Some
abusers keep up a "nice guy" image for everyone
else, then change abruptly in private. Even silence can
be hostile.
You "made" him do it - and it wasn't
so bad
Does your partner blame you or others for causing his feelings?
Does he excuse or deny any harm he does? Batterers rarely take responsibility for their own actions or
their consequences. They tend to blame other people and circumstances.
If they do admit causing harm, they are likely to say that something or someone
made them do it - perhaps it was stress, or the beer, or the cocaine, or
the woman herself: "She pushed me to it; I warned her not to get me
so mad."
He thinks men should dominate women
Does your partner think men need to dominate to be manly? Is he
particularly sensitive about his masculinity? Does
he expect you to perform traditional female roles? Is he critical about
how well you perform domestic roles? Is he overly focused on your sexuality?
Many abusive men believe in rigid, traditional gender roles in which males
have authority over females.
His parents or relatives were abusive or violent
When your partner was a child, did he witness his father beating
his mother?
Is wife abuse common in his culture? Was he abused as a child,
or were his siblings abused? Batterers
may also excuse abuse because it is a familiar pattern. Research suggests
that a large percentage of male batterers come from abusive, violent families.
He
abuses drugs or alcohol
Does he get drunk or high on drugs regularly? Does he seem more
irritable or aggressive when drunk or
high? A large percentage of spouse abusers are also abusers of either drugs
or alcohol. Being high is often used as an excuse for his behavior.
You
are afraid when he is angered
Does your partner have a quick temper? Is he easily frustrated,
stressed or provoked? Does he lash out verbally or physically? Has he threatened
you? Does he intimidate you about leaving him or "cheating" on
him? The typical abuser lives in terror of abandonment. He may tell his
partner that she will be very sorry if she is not loyal.
He has been violent
in other intimate relationships or circumstances
Do you know about his past? Was he violent with previous female
partners? Has he assaulted men, children, pets or objects? Does he have
an arrest or jail record? Has he ever coerced you into sex? While a portion of spouse batterers are violent only in relationship
to women, others have acted aggressively in more than one way.
Source: The above checklist was written and
provided to The Times by Dr.
Marcia Petchers, an associate professor of social work at the
Mandel School of
Applied Social Sciences, Case Western Reserve University in
Cleveland.
She has served on the board of the Center for Prevention of
Domestic
Violence and is conducting research on battered women, male
batterers and the
effects of family violence on children.
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